Craving Aliveness: My continued struggle & ambiguous feelings about Caffeine…
March 23rd, 2010 // 11:11 am @ Leif Hansen
Though I know certain friends find my struggles and complaints about caffeine annoying, let me try and explain why it pains me so much when I make the choice to consume something like the Americano I just drank…
The backstory: I love the feeling of ‘aliveness’. I also highly value honesty, being real, feeling what needs to be felt, and following my passion (and hearing/supporting the passions of others). Conversely, I really don’t enjoy the opposites –feeling tired, sad, bored, unmotivated, lazy, aimless, etc.
What’s hard to admit, honestly, is that I find it a bit harder these days to feel ‘alive’ and ‘passionate’ and ‘motivated’ than I used to. What used to be considered the biggest sin by me, boredom or a lack of ‘wants’, is felt more frequently. (Though I still don’t really believe that’s what is going on at core…but maybe I’m just in denial.)
When I have caffeine, I get this quick boost of what feels like ‘aliveness’ and passion and energy (and I use it sparingly enough that the difference is acute, unlike many people I know who are now just dependent on it or ‘used to it’).
And when I’m caffeinated I seem to be able to bulldoze over many of my whiny blues, my tired demotivated stuckness, uber-introspection, boredness, etc.
But then, a few problems result from this choice:
1. I can crash hard physically/emotinally…feeling extra tired, depressed, upset sleep cycle, irritable, etc.
2. Perhaps more importantly, to me, I don’t TRUST the feelings/beliefs/actions that came from me during that time. Like a person who has a spiritual hallucinogenic trip from acid, I wonder ‘was it real’?
It frustrates me and tempts me to feel lame that so few other people seem to understand or want to talk about these problems, that so few people see what seems obvious to me –that our culture has a massively ‘acceptable’ drug addiction with cafe dealers only 1/2 block away everywhere -but here I am.
And I want the real thing. Aliveness. Passion. Motivation. Focus. Alertness.
Yet what I all too often find, like today, is that if getting the real thing takes more work (through who knows what -more exercise; better diet; more sleep; meditation & prayer; naps; etc.) I give into the fiend.
Category : Blog
Mike Mitrovich
5 months ago
Hi Leif,
I feel ya, bro. And not just with the caffiend. I’m working a job I hate because it’s easier than making a big change. I’m tired and burned out and too often choose the path of least resistance. Maybe it’s a fear that the effort of obtaining true “aliveness” might not work out. Or that we don’t have the stamina to maintain it. I don’t know… but I don’t like it.
Leif Hansen
5 months ago
Thanks for the empathy Mike
Yes, the fear of failure is strong. But let’s keep paying attention to the worse outcome –the failure of not trying –and find the support we need, online & in real time, to make the more powerful, life-giving choices.
Alex
4 months ago
Hey Leif,
I totally get where you are coming from and have found the same nagging feeling over the last few years. My Dad always asked me the same question when I came to him with complaints about energy and drive: “Are you getting enough exercise?”. I know it might sound like a trite answer but I’ve taken his advice to heart and it’s had a big impact on my sense of vitality. I’ve recently started going back to the gym on a regular basis (3 times per week) and it’s caused a sea-change in my energy and mental outlook. I discovered that a short, intense workout with rests (aka “high intensity interval training”) has had the biggest effect. I would highly recommend giving it a try – it definitely worked for me. The other thing that has had a big impact is to cut out refined sugar from my diet (especially soda and fruit juices) – now if I have a can of coke or other soda it puts me straight to sleep! Good luck with your quest!
best,
Alex
Leif Hansen
4 months ago
Hey Alex,
No, I don’t think it’s trite at all, I think that (for the energy topic) you are hitting the nail on the head. This last few years has been an all-time low for exercise, and I really need to find ways to get more. Actually, that’s not entirely true. Since moving to Port Townsend last June, I have been getting more –walking, biking, some dance, and some indoor soccer. But the real aerobic stuff is still only about once a week…not enough
Air Jordan
3 months ago
I feeling tired, sad, bored, unmotivated, lazy, aimless, etc.